I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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