just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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