The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
