Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
