i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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