4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
