It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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