At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
