I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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