So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
