Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
