I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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