I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I need to align my fucking chakras
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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