Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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