I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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