I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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