God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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