Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Randomize
