i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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