I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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