Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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