I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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