My brain says no but my pants say off.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize