Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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