Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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