he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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