i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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