seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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