I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
