I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
