i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
