good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
