you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
