I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
