do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
