I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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