just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
