when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
