i already hear my dad disowning me
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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