I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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