i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
