if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
