You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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