He uses pillows to masturbate.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
