I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
