guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
