Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I feel like abortions should bother me more
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
