We're like a lot better than the average bears
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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