Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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