Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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