My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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