I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
