I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize