booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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