Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
