I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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