Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
