he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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