I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
