Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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