then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
