last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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