I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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