Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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