Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
