If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
