Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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