is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
