I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
